Searching Pt.2

At one point I was searching for a "boo" or at least I thought I wanted a boo. Now that I have something more than a boo things have changed. Thinking that all I wanted was for some female to come along and rock my body the way I needed it to be rocked when I needed it to be rocked. Just someone to sex my body in all the right ways. The only problem is that now I have all of that and more. I have a female that is not just a "boo." Well first it started out with me wanting to just jump her bones every chance I got and now its way more than just sex. All these years of suppression and its almost as if I was in love with women all along. Whatever it is I no longer need to search for a "boo." I know what I want and what Ive been lookin for. Maybe I found her and maybe I didnt but at least the search is over.

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Police Brutality or Just Another Day on the Job?

I like how most of the comments really took away from the essence of the video. No one knows the entire story because all that is tapped is the 16 yr old boy being brutally beaten by a group of, what seem to be bad cops with attitude. Now no matter what the charges in protocol there is always 2 cop to report to a scene unless otherwise notified. No one can specifically see him resisting arrest but we do see the BPD at its worst and that is what we need to look at. I would love to see the police reports for those officers who were standing by idly with nothing to do but watch, when other parts of the city were left unattended. I also hope that those who thought it was a game of beat the bad dog have an even better police report explaining their specific reasoning for beating the life out of a MINOR leaving evidence of blood on their jeans. I'd say that the chef of police has a plate full and some to eat because with this incident the BPD just put their feet in their mouths. They say they want to deport the immigration criminals, what about those who are actually in the police departments? All I can say is that, this is one of the cases that everyone, black or white, big and small, needs to keep close eyes on because if the BPD can get away with this then they can get away with anything.  "Keeping our neighborhoods safe," from who, them or ourselves?

Several people claim that he is an escapee but when I watched the news I heard nothing of this. I would love to see or even have the link that backs up this statement. Of course the department is going to agree with the actions of these BULLIES because they have no choice but to stand united. Correct me if I am wrong but I was under the impression that to stand united meant something along the lines of standing up for the greater good in the world, not police brutality that will somehow be justified by the department even though there was blood to prove that too much force was used. When watching the news, a statement was given proving that they victim was just walking onto campus with his sister and when the police were notified all hell broke lose. By what justifiable means in the American system of law does it condone the brutality or "striking" as some of the commenter's called it, of any human being, American citizen or not?!

Still Hurting...

Its been a while now and it still hurts. My heart still cries and my head still spins. What does it mean when you are so sure that everything is fine, then one day you wake up and realize that it really isn't. Well what ever it means that is where I am. Its almost as if I have been lost in this world of mine so caught up in what is "right" with me that I haven't been paying any mind to the real me. The me that has never been right and the me that probably never will be. I wanna start over and do it again. I wanna create a me that doesn't mind doing for herself and crying in the process. Why does it feel like in the time I need you most you are not there and in the time I could care less your always right here? I need to find a balance and I need to find it soon, for if I don't my heart might explode. I don't think that I can take another nervous brake down, or another back lash because things are not where you would like them to be. I am not the reason life has not blessed you with the life you want but I was also under the impression that you had to work for what you wanted in this life and the next. Then the most difficult question come to mind. Do I really wanna still be here? Here in a place where things never seem to change and repetition is the new "it" thing to practice. I have a lot to think about and its not going to be easy. Then again who ever said that life was going to be easy.

HELP...

HELP: n. By definition means the activity of contributing to the fulfillment of a need or furtherance of an effort or purpose (iGoogle). v. give help or assistance; be of service (iGoogle).

From my understanding a person must be willing to receive that help just as well as a person is willing to provide it. I have been placed in too many positions in which I have been readily available to provide whatever help necessary, yet there has never really been a receptive person willing to accept whatever assistance it was that I was willing to give. Take into consideration your life partner. Everyday since you have been together it seems like you are a team, for the most part, and other times it feels as though you are working against one another. My only explanation for this is the fact that neither one of you are really receptive the the gift the other is trying to provide. HELP! This goes for me too. I often am the first to say "what do you need?" or "I"ll see what I can do" and for what? To be blown away by how much he/she doesn't care in the least bit how much I may have to go through to provide my services. Its not easy being the provider 100% of the time with no one to fall back on as your safety blanket. I was once told "I DON'T WANT ANY HELP!" and the same people who have made such declarations have been the same people to search for help in other places. Is it me ?! Or is it the fact that the manner in which I provide help is in truth not empathy. Whatever it is I hope your happy because this will be the last time you hear the words "Do you need HELP?" roll of these lips. The slightest bit of concern has been wiped from my mind and now its back to the drawing board, back to square one where it all began and I didn't care enough to know the difference between what I wanted and how others felt.

Friendship... NOT!!!!

Have you ever come to a time where your "friends" will ask of something from you, and without hesitation you jump at the opportunity to help a friend ?! Well that is me, the one who is always willing to help out a "friend" at the cost of my own misery. Why I continue to allow myself to be fooled by this culprit called friendship I don't know, but I do know that after this encounter things will have to change. Anytime you call and I am available I come running, even if I have to make the time I will be there without hesitation. I have even spent my last dime at your expense only to prove my loyalty as a "friend" and still you turn the other cheek when I am the one in need. Your my best friend... Not!!
You are the one I run to when there is trouble... Not!!
Your are the one I call when I need a shoulder to cry on... Not!!
Your are My Best Friend... Of Course Not!!
That title is only given to the persons who are willing to take my life into their hands as if it were their own. The persons who are willing to do for me what I am willing to do for then and that much more. From here on out I will closely monitor my decisions and grant only those who are worthy of my friendship, my heart. You who are not worthy will be left behind with the rest of the nothingness and emptiness in my past. For now I say, I'll be watching you. What moves will you make from here on out ?!

Minor Confession

Why does it feel like the only way for me to write is when I am feeling some type of heartache. I never realized it until now that I feel much more comfortable within myself in times of vulnerability. You seem to try and help but all you do is apologize and make things a lot more seldom and blue. Its almost as if you are feeling sorry for yourself for feeling sorry for me. I don't want anyones pity but I would love some type of truth. If not for me then do it for you. Release yourself from yourself and truly prevail. Unheard thoughts and untold secrets traffic my mind while my love for you makes my soul shine. Never did I ask to be taken by you yet your person makes me desire you. All this time and all this work, does it really matter who's the bigger flirt. My heart hurts now my heart hurts always, little do you know my heart hurts most days. A pain so perfect not even I know why, just the fact that its there keeps me alive. This is my minor confession to you and to all, that when you call me dark your not at all wrong. I'm pale beneath this thick brown coat, to remove means my life's gone cold. This shell is all I have and this confession is what you need, I feel more free and you learn more about me.

My Life Back in 2009

Some may say that I have it good and others would say that I am taking advantage of my situation. Truth be told... I really don't know how to handle the most important part of my life, my relationship. I am so engulfed in what others may call a game or even me being a hoe that it seems like my body is creeping up and taking control of who I am and who I want to be... I love him I do but there is this man, a slightly older man that is starting to cloud my better judgment. I'm not sure what it is about him but all I know is that when I am around him, something inside of me wants to "get loose" as he would say. Over the years I have learned to tame the promiscuous urges that so often made me want to hit it and quit it like a nigga fresh out looking for his first hit back on the street. Yet recently I have gone to extremes to see what it would be like to unleash that sexual being within and I have learned that she is more than happy being tamed. For when the time comes for her to unleash her rath, all will be well and she will be more than satisfied with the man she is with, my man. January 2010 has rolled around and I have come to the conclusion that there will be no more games, no more pondering whether or not this move is the right move. He who has my heart shall have all of me till death do us part. It seems so funny now to say something like that when YOU are still on my mind, yet and still I know that nothing could ever come of this. So in the end it seemed that the best friend was the one telling me to do it for me and never to regret it. I have no regrets in life only urges that were taken farther than expected but never unwanted. Old habits die hard they say, yet I'm on cloud nine. Where are you?! ;-)