Still Hurting...

Its been a while now and it still hurts. My heart still cries and my head still spins. What does it mean when you are so sure that everything is fine, then one day you wake up and realize that it really isn't. Well what ever it means that is where I am. Its almost as if I have been lost in this world of mine so caught up in what is "right" with me that I haven't been paying any mind to the real me. The me that has never been right and the me that probably never will be. I wanna start over and do it again. I wanna create a me that doesn't mind doing for herself and crying in the process. Why does it feel like in the time I need you most you are not there and in the time I could care less your always right here? I need to find a balance and I need to find it soon, for if I don't my heart might explode. I don't think that I can take another nervous brake down, or another back lash because things are not where you would like them to be. I am not the reason life has not blessed you with the life you want but I was also under the impression that you had to work for what you wanted in this life and the next. Then the most difficult question come to mind. Do I really wanna still be here? Here in a place where things never seem to change and repetition is the new "it" thing to practice. I have a lot to think about and its not going to be easy. Then again who ever said that life was going to be easy.