Minor Confession

Why does it feel like the only way for me to write is when I am feeling some type of heartache. I never realized it until now that I feel much more comfortable within myself in times of vulnerability. You seem to try and help but all you do is apologize and make things a lot more seldom and blue. Its almost as if you are feeling sorry for yourself for feeling sorry for me. I don't want anyones pity but I would love some type of truth. If not for me then do it for you. Release yourself from yourself and truly prevail. Unheard thoughts and untold secrets traffic my mind while my love for you makes my soul shine. Never did I ask to be taken by you yet your person makes me desire you. All this time and all this work, does it really matter who's the bigger flirt. My heart hurts now my heart hurts always, little do you know my heart hurts most days. A pain so perfect not even I know why, just the fact that its there keeps me alive. This is my minor confession to you and to all, that when you call me dark your not at all wrong. I'm pale beneath this thick brown coat, to remove means my life's gone cold. This shell is all I have and this confession is what you need, I feel more free and you learn more about me.

My Life Back in 2009

Some may say that I have it good and others would say that I am taking advantage of my situation. Truth be told... I really don't know how to handle the most important part of my life, my relationship. I am so engulfed in what others may call a game or even me being a hoe that it seems like my body is creeping up and taking control of who I am and who I want to be... I love him I do but there is this man, a slightly older man that is starting to cloud my better judgment. I'm not sure what it is about him but all I know is that when I am around him, something inside of me wants to "get loose" as he would say. Over the years I have learned to tame the promiscuous urges that so often made me want to hit it and quit it like a nigga fresh out looking for his first hit back on the street. Yet recently I have gone to extremes to see what it would be like to unleash that sexual being within and I have learned that she is more than happy being tamed. For when the time comes for her to unleash her rath, all will be well and she will be more than satisfied with the man she is with, my man. January 2010 has rolled around and I have come to the conclusion that there will be no more games, no more pondering whether or not this move is the right move. He who has my heart shall have all of me till death do us part. It seems so funny now to say something like that when YOU are still on my mind, yet and still I know that nothing could ever come of this. So in the end it seemed that the best friend was the one telling me to do it for me and never to regret it. I have no regrets in life only urges that were taken farther than expected but never unwanted. Old habits die hard they say, yet I'm on cloud nine. Where are you?! ;-)

Poor Little Lonely Girl

Alone and so young... 

Rowe wakes up daily wishing that someone would understand that just because of her dark hair and pale skin, she is not at all bitter, but she is a sweet girl inside...

At the raw young age of 16 she has been without companionship for a very longtime.

Her mother and father were both killed 3 yrs earlier due to accusations of wizardry.

Poor Rowe...

Who will save her !!?

Scene 1:  

Rowe: When will they get it? She asks with a slightly puzzled look.
Woman: They will not because they do not care for anyone who is not them.
Rowe: Why are you so cruel? 
Woman: Because you are so young and stupid that you don't understand that you have been on your own for a very long time. No one cares to understand you.
Rowe: Will you help me be like you? Strong and knowledgeable. Understood!!
Woman: ::Sly grin on the face:: Of course my child, come let me have a taste & will be forever powerful and UNDERSTOOD... 


TO BE CONTINUED...

FUNNY HOW...

Its funny how people change there colors every night and day...
Funny how they say one thing and mean another...
Funny how they are so nice to you when you do something for them and mad when the deed is done...
Funny how they tell you to be honest, and throw a fit when your being real...
Funny how they encourage you to be who you are, yet critique your every move...
Its more than funny how nice you can be to others...
Funny how you bend over backward for them and get nothing in return...
Funny how you offer a helping hand, and get mentally sh.t on...
Funny how you can turn your life around, and they put you back in the same head space...
Funny how how you allow them to do so...
Life in its self is funny, and
its funny how I seem to just figure that out.

Wondering

Have u ever just sat and looked out the window....
Watched the sun and the clouds as they transform the sky into its own picture show...
Watched the stars in the night sky as they light the way for many a traveler...
Well today I looked out the window and I saw life...
Birds flying...
Children playing...
Water swaying...And
Air Breezing...
I saw a bit of life today and I wanted to be free...
Free from all of my human inhibitions...
Free from all responsibilities that deem me adult...
Just for today I wanted to get away from reality and be whatever I could dream...
Fly with the birds...
Play with the children....And
Sway in the water, all at the same time...
I am always wondering what if feels like not to wonder...
What it feels like to just be...

College Graduation

Where do we go from here!? I mean when you leave high school the choice is simple, college or not. But when you are about to graduate from college, Where do you go from there? The anticipation creeps up like a serpent in the night grass and the confusion of not knowing what you next step is, clouds around you like the fog of a new storm. I guess this is what happens when you go into college thinking that you are going to do so many great things with your life and all of a sudden you are hit with what seems like and invisible wall. I went into the whole college thing thinking that if I did it and got it over with, I wouldn't have to worry about it later but the reality of it is that my college education is going to follow me all throughout my life. The worst part is that it is not going to remotely help my achieve an entry-level job that will enable me a better future. Currently in this world we are disillusioned with the thought that college will better us as human beings when in reality college seemingly delays the grown to adulthood. I can only speak from experience but even with college level experience, entry-level work is scarce. You are put through vigorous training for weeks only to find out that you didn't get the job. Now its back to square one and the same B.S. all over again. So again the question comes up, Where do I go from here? I think I will do some community work or something of the sort. Maybe city year or americorps, whatever will enable me to stand on my own two feet until I can acquire an actual career. But until then there is only my College Graduation...

Beauty.... (Original Painting)

Throughout life I have overcome many obstacles and have fought off myself and things that would cloud my better judgment and that is exactly what this painting means to me. Not only in life will you meet obstacles because of others but the main person you tend to fight off is yourself. I am constantly in a struggle, wanting so badly for me to get passed this one mark, yet my body doesn’t allow it. The darker colors indicate that I have been living in darkness and have never seen anything as more than a shadow until it has been brought to light. It’s almost like I see things in shades of grey due to the fact that I have allowed myself to. Struggling to get my emotions across I used many dark colors and the simple but very effective contrast of black and white backgrounds. Hesitant to use bright colors I played with light blues and greys on the black background and orange on the white background.

The title is beauty because there is no actual image of what beauty is supposed to look like. If beauty comes from within than how could I be wrong for naming my painting beauty because it is what I am trying to portray. Honestly the confusion in the painting indicates the confusion I am faced with everyday, being that at one point I am happy and the next I can become so seldom and blue. Most of my inspiration came from looking back at Jackson Pollock’s work and a hint of looking at Jim Dine’s work. I realized that what I wanted to incorporate in my painting had stopped me from seeing things any other way and looking back at Jackson Pollock’s Mural I realized that I didn’t have to burden myself with such a simple one dimensional piece. It still amazes me how he could just put paint to canvase and the result would be worth millions.

During the process I have received more than enough critisicm from not only friends but from a woman who feels that everything she said should be set in stone, my mother. At several points in my work she would tell me what was good and was was bad, what she really liked and what she thought was foolish and thought I should get rid of or do over. I loved the honesty so I asked others what they thought and I received a variation of critiques. In one corner I received some what uninterested feedback, I was told that my work was too bland and that my choice of colors was to dark which kept the painting from grabbing the interest of the critic. More or less like a kid had done the painting. In another corner I received very positive feedback. In this instance I was told that my work was great and is reminiscent of a party atmosphere. I was also told that the effects of my brush strokes gave my work raw appeal and that there were many aspects that could be debated against in what the painting could be interpreting. There were several transformations during the process and I love every one of the. The most exciting piece of criticism I received was the fact that someone was honest enough to tell me up front that they completely loved the transformation from start to finish. They also loved the fact that there is no particular way to look at the painting because as in beauty everyone is able to decipher things differently.    

As every piece of critisicm is important to me the most important critic that I struggled to impress throughout this journey was I. I will admit that during this process I second guessed my self greatly until I started to see things that I would have never seen pre fine arts. Now in the final stages of this class I am more comfortable with my artistic side and have come to love my piece  for what it is… BEAUTY!